Dogs and Bitches
by LillieGhoul
Summary: Title named for the lack of better one. Might change rating if I decide to convert it into multi chapter, depending on stuff. Non canon to an extent. Tenten likes Rock Lee. Rock Lee is in love with Sakura. Sakura has a thing for Kiba. Kiba pants for Ino. Ino likes Neji. Neji cares only about Hinata. Hinata loves Naruto. Naruto is in love with Sasuke. Sasuke loves… his dog?


A/N: Review please, and let me know what you think! If you don't like it, don't read, and if you insist on leaving a bad review, make sure it's constructive criticism. No flames please. If you still insist on trolling and leaving a bad review calling me a retard or asking me to kill myself, I'll be forced to think you gave it that much importance to go to the burden of reviewing it in the first place. Thank you!

* * *

Ino is in love (again). Being the hottest kunoichi in Konoha, she naturally felt she deserved the hottest shinobi in Konoha. That's right, Hyuga Neji had caught her eye this time. She could not remove the image of his well developed naked chest and legs from the time at the bathhouse when Lee had crashed through the roof. It was an image she imagined being on top of her every time she went to sleep at night, minus the towel. Neji's, not Lee's.

"Kiba," she ordered the panting boy in front of her as he polished her toe nails, "Fetch me my hair tie."

"Woof!" he barked happily, and went to fetch it.

Admiring her toe nails, she lightly brushed her already well brushed hair. She suddenly stopped short.

"Kiba!" she yelled

Kiba came stumbling back, landing on his chin, one of Ino's beautiful hair pin raised over his head. "What is it, Ino-chan?"

"It's an emergency!" she yelled again.

Kiba's bewildered eyes ran across the room looking for a source of disaster.

"Did someone die?"

"Worse!" she yelled, holding the tips of her hair and shoving them in his face. "Split ends!"

Kiba gasped, looking at the almost nonexistent "split ends".

"Akamaru!" he called out. The white dog came crashing in from the first floor window, sending shards of glass flying everywhere.

"Get Ino to the parlour! Quick! I'll clean up here meanwhile."

Akamaru whimpered exasperatedly at Kiba's puppy dog love, but had Ino sit on his back while he barreled outside the window again.

Kiba grabbed a broom and dustpan and started cleaning Ino's room, thinking about how much he loved taking care of Ino and finding nothing wrong with the fact that he was being treated as a… well, dog. Besides, it beat listening to Ino constantly complain about Sakura and fanning rumors, calling her useless over and over again.

x-x-x-x-x-x

Neji did not know why people called Sakura useless. In the climax of the Fourth Shinobi World War – aka the Battle between the Attractive Zombies (and a few other important people) - a tiny fragment of Katsuyu the healing slug summoned by Sakura had latched onto him, securing his life. Later, he lay in the puddle of the slug dubbed by Lee and Guy as the "healing zone" till he got the medical attention no one had deemed necessary to give him as they would rather gape open mouthed at Madara's reanimated naked torso.

He owed her his life, and the two had developed a bond after that. While Neji is forever willing to do anything in the world for Hinata (like the small matter of bodily sacrificing himself), he couldn't help feeling like he had been forced to play cupid for Naruto and her and almost die an unnecessary death. Yet, Naruto still chose to ignore Hinata's affections.

However, Naruto's kyuubi chakra (which he had remembered at the end moment to provide after shaking his head to rid the image of him lounging in the Hokage's office with his feet on the table over important looking documents and wearing Hokage's robes) and Sakura's healing had saved him. Neji owed her a debt he could not repay. It was for that very reason Neji respected Sakura's personal life. He, however, always lent her a friendly ear and was there for her when she needed him.

A crying Rock Lee begs him for his help in securing Sakura's hand.

"Neji, you must help me in ways to win Sakura-chan's heart and satisfy my burning youth."

"Never," Neji answers shortly.

"But pleeeeeeeeease! It's a matter of life and death!"

"Somehow I doubt it."

"How can you so uncaringly just abandon your comrade in distress and see him in agony pining away after his one true love?"

"Easily," Neji replies.

"Do you realize the importance of my courtship with Sakura and how much it will boost my morale and…"

"Knock it off Lee," Tenten says, pulling his ear and dragging him away, a lot like Misty and Brock from Pokemon. "I doubt Sakura is even remotely interested in your proclamations of "courtship"."

"If Sakura doesn't go out with me, I'll do 1500 pushups!" he yelled, but everyone ignored him.

"Hey, Lee, if Sakura isn't going out with you, I'm free. We could both go grab a bite to eat," Tenten said shyly.

Neji looked up. This was a tone he had not heard Tenten use before.

"Sorry Tenten, but there can be no break from training. If I am not training my mind or body, I must train my heart. And for training my heart, I must go to Sai, who has read vast volumes of scrolls and books on the subject of the heart. I must go under his tutelage till I can manage to woo Sakura-chan into accepting my invitation for dinner."

Lee saluted, and then went on his way, apparently to search for Sai, oblivious to the sulking expression on Tenten's face he was leaving behind.

Though Neji was one to always mind his own business, his curiousity got the better of him.

"Hey, Tenten," he said.

Tenten mindlessly took out a kunai from her pocket and started filing her nails. "Hm?"

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but it rather looked like you are disappointed that Lee, how do you say it, spurned your advances."

Tenten looked up in shock. "W-What? What advances?"

Tenten was doing a poor job hiding her expressions even for someone not trained to notice such things. And Neji was already good at reading people's expressions. He raised an eyebrow at her.

Tenten started rambling. "W-Well, if you MUST know, I'm bored, and I am looking for ways to spend my inevitably dull evening."

"But you can't stand Rock Lee."

"Well yes, I can't. So you can judge by that how desperate I am to avoid my dull evening. _No_ one is free, not even you, who's always on standby and hopelessly pining away after his useless cousin."

"I am _not_ pining away after my useless cousin," Neji says hotly, colour rising to his face. "And she's not useless. She did not ask for a guardian, I was assigned the role since we were both very young."

"Well, if you get done playing "guardian" then on time for dinner, do let me know. If I don't find something to occupy myself with, someone will die."

x-x-x-x-x-x

Sakura thought she would die.

"Ohaiyo!" Sakura greets, turning around at the sound of the tingling bell. Her smile was soon to be turned upside down.

"Akamaru! And… Ino." She says, forcing herself to keep her smile intact, though her nails were in danger of puncturing the skin of her hands through the gloves she was wearing.

"Sakura," Ino orders getting off of the dog. "Please take care of my split ends."

Sakura ignored her and knelt infront of Akamaru.

"Where is Kiba-kun, eh Akamaru? Why is _she_ with you?"

Akamaru moaned exasperatedly again.

"Sakura!" Ino called out tauntingly.

Sakura's jaw bone cracked as she got up and turned towards Ino.

"Ino, Kurenai sensei is not here right now. I wash hair, I do not style them."

"How useless can you get?" Ino cried in frustration. "To think Kurenai sensei would hire _you_ of all people! Forget you, your uselessness will rub off on everyone in the vicinity."

 _Sakura, you know the rent of this place is not covered yet, so I beg of you, no hitting the customers at any cost, no matter how much they antagonize you,_ Kurenai sensei's words rang in her mind. Sakura opted for a calmer approach, taking deep breaths and counting backwards from twenty.

"I only volunteer here part time to help out Kurenai sensei, Ino, unlike you, who cannot even help herself," Sakura replied, looking at Akamaru. She brightens at a sudden thought.

"Akamaru, if Kiba-kun will be interested in having his hair washed, you can direct him here as well."

Before Akamaru could respond in anyway, the curtain at the back of the room was opened and closed and Shino emerged, standing behind Sakura like a shadow. He coughed, calling for her attention. She jumped.

"Oh Shino-san! I forgot you were still here."

A bead of sweat dropped off Shino's temple. "This won't be the first time," he mumbled. "I wanted to let you know that I worked it off with Shizune-chan, that is to say, Shizune-chan has taken the responsibility of my work. See you later Sakura-chan."

Sakura bowed, and Shino left.

"What a loser. And did no one teach you that it is rude to ignore your customers Sakura- _chan_?"

Sighing, she turned to face her nemesis again. "What IS it you want Ino-pig?"

Ino ignored her jibe. "What did Shino come here for?" she asked curiously.

Knowing that Ino was the biggest gossip in Konoha, Sakura spoke carefully, "Oh, he also helps here from time to time. He certainly does not have regular facials. That's not the reason he hides his face all the time because he's overprotective of his skin. Kurenai-sensei _is_ his jounin mentor, after all."

"Oh, yeah you're right," Ino said, having forgotten Shino like everyone normal. "Anyway, please get my hair done ASAP, I do not want Kiba to be waiting, alone at my house you know, in my room."

Sakura's eyes bugged out more than Shino's.

" _What_ did you say?!"

Ino laughed sweetly. "Oh didn't I mention? Kiba is waiting for me. He must almost be done cleaning my room by now."

Ino loved the colour rushing over Sakura's face till it became one with her hair, colour and all.

"You're making Kiba-kun clean your room? You're making it up obviously. I wish the same could be said of your existence."

Ino gave that horrible laugh again. "Why do you think I have Akamaru with me then hm? Kiba lent him to me because we could not ruin the fresh nail polish on my toe nails which he so carefully applied." She wiggled her toe fingers at her.

Angry blisters were starting to appear on Sakura's enormous forehead.

"Ino, I'm politely requesting you to get your piggy face out of here," she says with deathly calm.

"Or what?" she taunts. "Are you gonna set your dog on me? Oh wait, I forgot. The dog you pant for, pants for me instead! Ahahaha! You always lose to me, you excuse of a strawberry."

"Ino," Sakura says, clenching and unclenching her fingers. Akamaru whimpers again.

"Get. Out. Now," Sakura continues with gritted teeth.

"Itsy bitsy Sakura, trying to climb up Kiba's cot.. Down came the rain, and washed off all the snot!"

"SHANNARO!" Sakura yelled, clenching her fist and punching the floor. Ino yelped, and ran out of the parlour, Akamaru on her tail.

Sakura took deep, calming breaths and counted to ten. When she opened her eyes, her jaw dropped. She had totally created a whole in the floor. This was the third time it had happened. She gulped. She was going to be in deep _deep_ trouble.

x-x-x-x-x-x

Hinata was in deep _deep_ trouble.

She and Hanabi had been bored, so to pass the time, they had decided to sneak into Neji's room and go through his stuff. It had been all fun in the beginning and they were laughing their hearts out over Neji's polka dotted underwear when they saw a dark shape come up behind the sliding door. The sisters looked at each other in blind panic, and dove in opposite directions; Hinata behind a wardrobe, and Hanabi under a chest of drawers.

Neji came into his room and took off his headband and shirt and kicked off his shoes. One shoe hit the wardrobe, disturbing the dust and web behind it and a spider fell on Hinata's nose. She stifled a gasp, clapping a hand over her mouth. She sharply jerked her face as much as she could in the confined space till the spider was dislodged.

Thankfully, Neji had not seemed to notice. He pulled down the blinds, shrouding the room in late afternoon darkness, and spread his futon. Without further ado, he dove and fell asleep in a matter of seconds.

Hinata and Hanabi looked at each other, deciding what to do. They could not be fooled by Neji's snores, as he was a light sleeper and could wake up in a second, courtesy of his Guy-sensei, who had taught his students how to battle even in their sleep.

Carefully, Hanabi extricated herself from underneath the drawers, on her fingertips and toes and looked at Hinata, putting her finger on her lip and not even daring to breathe. She tiptoed towards the door and tried to open it by making as little noise as possible. Hinata, with more difficulty coming out than going in had been, came out of her hiding spot.

Neji snorted and both sisters tensed in fright, holding their breaths, ready to make a break for it. But he just turned over and put a pillow over the side of his face apparently to block the light filtering in from the crack Hanabi had managed to open.

Waiting for a full minute, Hanabi resumed her task. She opened the door just wide enough for them to come out. She slowly and extremely carefully closed the door with a finesse which indicated that she has done this a lot of times.

Taking a few steps away from the room of darkness, the girls broke into a run, finally falling over each other when they reached the compound in laughter. Boy had that been a close one!

Meanwhile, back in Neji's room, Neji removed the pillow from his face, revealing his burning face. He had been awake the whole time. He had only pretended to fall asleep. He knew that someone was in his room because one of his underwear, which was for emergency purposes only, was lying discarded right next to his drawers, and he could see a dark shape underneath. _He_ never took it out except in case of emergencies, so he knew something was amiss.

Burning with embarrassment over the fact that someone other than his privates had witnessed his polka dotted underwear, he had decided to pretend to be none the wiser to avoid awkward discussions. Pretending to be asleep, he had felt with his senses the perpetrators making their escape. However, witnessing _Hinata_ emerge as one of them, he had choked, but quickly disguised it as a snort in his sleep. He had then immediately turned over and hid his burning face. Of all the people to have looked at his underwear! He would never _ever_ be the same again. He felt unduly exposed.

In the end he decided that this whole unpleasant incident should be best left undiscussed and he would just act unaware, just like Naruto acted unaware of Hinata's feelings.

x-x-x-x-x-x

"You are not aware of my feelings!" Naruto cried, clapping his hands together and bowing. "You are the most precious creation in the whole wide world, I will always cherish you and love you, and I will never, ever ,ever leave you alone or let you out of my sight ever again-dattebayo!"

The bowl of ramen sat in front of him, smoking hot in its entire splendor. Sasuke sighed exasperatedly at the sorry sight. Naruto was surprising in his ambiguity, addressing both him and the bowl of ramen. How he wished that he could leave _him_ alone for once, following him everywhere he went. Even his dog didn't, and Sasuke loved his dog.

"Ittadakimasu!" Naruto cried, salivating. Sasuke did not like the ravenous look in Naruto's eyes. He felt uneasy, not sure if Naruto meant to eat the ramen… or a certain black haired person whom he was looking at with certain, not-so-pure intentions.

x-x-x-x-x-x


End file.
